I have been wanting a man to save me from my daddy issues for the past 30+ years.

It made me think of a metaphor.

About how life gave me lemons, but even the idea of making lemonade felt too hard and overwhelming. How I still wished for lemonade, watched other people drinking it, wondering how it would taste, and secretly hoping someone would make it for me.

It turns, however, that life never gave me lemons. It gave me rhubarb instead.

So unsurprisingly, making lemonade from rhubarb was never going to work out the way I expected or wanted, regardless of who was making it.

Recently I have been thinking that, perhaps, rhubarb is not so bad. That even if I cannot make lemonade, and even if it requires a bit more preparation with a few extra steps, rhubarb can make an excellent crumble and a delicious cake.

The realisation has occurred in the context of now having regular contact with my biological father. Long story short, he disappeared from my life completely for about a decade and I only recall him being a fleeting part of it in the first place.

The realisation occurs in the context of holding a ball of resentment towards him (a completely rational response) and it being hidden behind a mask of apathy and grudging acceptance for what life has offered.

The realisation is further confounded by the anger and resentment I hold towards my step-father who has been in my life since I was three. For varying occurrences and situations that I would rather not discuss or unpack on such an open platform, when I still call him dad, he’s still a part of my family (it’s complex).

The realisation occurs in the context of the last several years of my own self-growth, healing, and recent learnings associated with living overseas and studying towards a Masters of Applied Positive Psychology and Coaching.

Specifically, positive psychology creates opportunities for growth and suggests managing challenges by leveraging off of our strengths and interests. Coaching psychology makes us consider our goals, and how to overcome obstacles to create a flourishing life for ourselves.

So as I learn, as I remain committed to healing, and shedding, practicing authenticity, and considering who I want to be and what I want life to look like. I can feel that the feelings and subsequent behaviours I display towards both my biological dad and step-dad are limiting my ability to fully flourish.

I can see that this will always be a barrier and an immovable rock within my life if I allow it to be.

So a few weeks before my family, inclusive of my step-dad, mum and sister, arrive in the UK for five weeks of travel together, and after returning home from a family dinner with my biological dad, step-mum and brothers, I had this sudden epiphany.

I thought about the person I am now, what I want and what this means for on-going interactions with different family members.

I asked myself whether I could apply these positive psychology and coaching principles into my life, and specifically there application towards my dads.

Instead of thinking about everything they did wrong, the ways that they hurt me, or the things I do not like about them, can I practice trying to recognise their strengthens and virtues? Can I acknowledge their good characteristics? Can I see what they have to offer as individuals? Can I shift my own perspective?

I have to also mention that there are times where this is not applicable. Or at least, maintaining a relationship is not appropriate or relevant or necessary. That is okay too and is also a valid experience.

But even considering this shift in perspective feels like a huge challenge. I do not know if I can describe how much I want to hold on to my resentment. How hard it is to try and let go of the anger I have held for 30+ years. To give two people grace who impacted my life so heavily and where I have allowed blame to sit for as long as I can remember. Not because the blame does not lie there, but because what is the purpose of it at this point in time?

The reality is that my epiphany, and interest (because commitment is too much just yet) in shifting my perspective does not take away from my experiences. It does not mean that their behaviours have been or are okay. It does not mean we have to be best friends, or I have to support their beliefs. It does not mean I have to forget or forgive necessarily (I will likely think on that statement more after this).

But it is not about them.

It is about me.

I do this for me first and foremost. The added benefit is that, perhaps, it helps my siblings, and my family too. And maybe, just maybe (though that remains a big, humungous maybe), I meet a great person in the process.

Because if I want to have a fulfilling life, one with multiple meaningful and beautiful interactions with the world, one in which I flourish and continue to grow, and remain authentic to myself, then I cannot continue to allow this hurt, anger and resentment to sit with me.

For it to unconsciously weigh me down, impact on the way I interact with the world, limit me from all of my potential, and suffocate my growth.

Which means, I need to work on my daddy issues.

I need to learn to make rhubarb crumble, and perhaps a cake or too.

That is within my power and control.

Even as I write this, I can feel how much I want to keep the anger. So I acknowledge it and I slowly breath.

That is okay. I will practice, I will do my best, and it will get better over time.

I will start by reading the recipe, I might line up the ingredients next. Then measure them out. But I will take it slow, little bit little. Maybe a small crumble first, then a cake. Things I could not do before will come naturally. Maybe I won’t even need the recipe, and assembling the ingredients will be become wrote.

Either way, I will keep practicing,

I will keep trying my best

I will give myself grace.

I will take my time.

And I will continue to work on healing my daddy issues through rhubarb crumble.