This was not what I envisioned for myself.

I was supposed to be the girl who had experienced heartbreak (multiple times), who had been in relationships that did not serve her, disillusioned by men in general. Who was working on herself and finding peace and contentment in that life. But who then met a man that changed her perception and understanding of what love could look like. Where she was happy and others were happy for her because she was finally experiencing the type of love that she deserved.

The problem is that the fairytale ended.

The happily ever after did not stay happy, and forever was no longer that long at all.

Some days are better than others.

Overall, I am healing, slowly, gradually.

But some days the pain of it seems overwhelming,

The betrayal of a lost dream undeniable,

The hurt so deep I fear it will never go away.

I cannot imagine being able to trust another person.

I allowed my walls to come down with this one.

Learnt that I could rely on someone else again.

That it was safe and okay to do so.

Started to heal the gaping void of energy loss from interactions with people who simply wanted to devour me and give nothing back in return.

Felt hopeful and softened by a true, real, genuine love.

Realised that I loved a man who was obsessed with me, kind to me, soft with me.

Who gave me massages, provided untied shoe lace assistance, took up baggage handler duties, loved cooking, held my hand, was interested in what I had to say (even shared those thoughts with others because that is how much he valued them), loved to help, catered to my needs too, made me a priority.

It is times like these, when the grief resurfaces, that it is harder to navigate the sadness.

When the thoughts try to drown me.

The ones about how I could ever possibly trust another person,

How I could ever bring someone else into my family again,

That I am ruined for love.

In these moments, I take a breath.

A long, deep inhale and exhale.

And I remind myself that it may be a challenge to trust in the future again, but I have not only done it before and I can do it again, but also that the right person for me (whoever they are) will make it feel like less of a challenge.

That love is literally everywhere. I could have a relationship by the end of the day if I truly wanted, and the only reason I do not is because I am discerning and I do not want a relationship with just anyone.

That regardless of whether I understand it now or later, but a purpose can always be created from pain if I choose it. That already I have seen purpose in this separation - the way it forced me (alongside other simultaneous occurrences) to look within myself, to explore indigenous knowledge, how it lead me to reconnecting with my ancestors and the environment in a way that has allowed me to feel more embodied, grounded and settled than I ever have before.

Truly, I no longer feel lonely. I no longer crave someone in my bed for the sake of it, I feel more frequently content and peaceful than ever before, and other than specific occurrences which create challenge or the low-energy phases of my menstrual cycle, I often have no thoughts at all.

They no longer race like they used to, they are not full and overflowing to the brim, they are less unhelpful and limiting. There is just me and my mind in contentment and every time, I am so grateful. I would never have experienced what not overthinking looked like if this separation had not occurred.

It does not mean that I cannot feel disappointing or sad, or extra challenged at times. But it is the acknowledgement that perhaps, this is just part of the process and maybe it will be okay.

Healing is not linear.

Grief is never one and done.

All I can do is try my best and make sure I honour myself as much as I can in the process.